Well over the last week i have been ugh. lol
I'm not really sure why I'm like this or why I'm feeling like this
Maybe its because i know whats going to go on and that i REALLY need to get this done for Connor.
Tuesday we got a call at work from Loretta (Travis Mom), she asked about obituaries information.
I got nervous right away, i haven't seen her in two year and i knew she would be coming in to put this obit it. I felt really bad cause i knew the person who had died in her family.
I didn't know how she was going to act, if she would ask about Connor, if she would be mad over everything, if she would act like nothing had happen, I was scared. Literally, i was shaking in my pants.
Tuesday went on like normal. She didn't come in till Wednesday afternoon, when she walked in i was OK. She never once asked about Connor not once. I was okay with that cause really i don't want them in our lives but i thought maybe she would remember who he was and what she had done. I know that she was her to put an obit in for a loved one, so i shouldn't be jumping to anything. Thursday she came back in to do programs for the viewing, we did them had them all done, i knew i would see her once more. This whole time she never asked about Connor, so i thought she wont this time either. I was wrong, she came and gave me a hug. Held me so tight, it was like she was never going to let me go. As she was hugging me she told me "Please give my grandson a hug and tell him his grandma she loves him very much" I was like WHAT!!!! Yes i know that really he is her grandson and she is his grandma, BUT in my eyes she will NEVER be his grandma. I know I'm really rude but are you kidding me.???
She was there for me from day one with me being pregnant she was there for me when Travis left me. After that i didn't want Travis in my life, but i told Loretta "We would still love you in Connor life, even if Travis isn't there. You were always there for me when Travis wasn't, You can choose if you want to be apart of his life cause we would like you to be" I told her this and guess what she did.... picked not to be in his life. Her choice.
So after she said that to me i was like no, no way did you just tell me to give YOUR grandson a hug. Sorry but there was no chance that i was going to do that. You picked that you didn't want him in your life so i don't think you have the right to call him your grandson. Sorry but he isn't. ( I didn't say any of this to her, I'm not that rude) But this is how i was feeling inside. I was mad. and i have the right to be.
IN the 3 years of Connor life, he has maybe seen her 5 times. MAYBE. Connor will never know who she is cause she picked not to be in his life. Connor is already going to have a hard life when he finds out that his "Dad" didn't want anything to do with him. It kills me to know that Connor is always going to be thinking bad things. Connor is going to grow up knowing Logan as Dad, Barb and Scott as Grandma and Grandpa, and Chad as Uncle Chad. He has this family who loves him with everything they have and would give him the world in a heart beat! Its just breaks my heart that Someone didn't want to have my son in their life. BREAKS my heart, how could you not want this adorable little boy.
SOOO......
After seeing her i have been able to think A LOT this weekend about what i am going to do with them.
This week I'm going to get the paper and a lawyer, its time to have Travis sign ALL of his rights over. I don't even know if he has any right cause his name isn't on the birth certificate (best thing i have ever done) but its time to get the ALL the way out of our lives. I just hope its goes the way i want it to go. Its going to be a hard few weeks till i get this done but worth it all in the end.
I love Connor with all my heart and I'm trying to do what is best for him. I just hope it don't bite me in the ass at the end of all this. I hope Connor wont hate me when he is older, i have all these fears but i think it is the right thing to do.
Maybe I'm over reacting but this is mine and my son life and i want what is best for us.
